a cry for... ?

NOTE: This post is NOT for the faint of heart. Please do NOT proceed with reading after this sentence. But, if you are braver than I thought you were, be my guest.

I do not remember whether I've actually posted stating that my office is.. somewhat.. 'haunted'... but I do remember the first encounter was in the pantry, which is located on the other side of the office. It happened last month (March). I was in the pantry, just emerged from the ladies. I went to the pantry sink to get a cup of water and was already walking towards the main door and that was when I heard the conference room door creaked really slow, and then slammed shut. But no one was in the pantry with me. And there was obviously not a single window opened if you're thinking of wind. (The windows in the conference room is sealed shut and yes, the conference room is in the same premise as the pantry). So that was the weird part. I was the only one there. I remember turning around and looked at the door. It was indeed shut! I slowly turned toward the exit and walked back to the main office. (Note: I actually walked instead of run like a panicked I-just-saw-a-ghost maniac)

This morning I had another encounter. I emerged from the ladies. (Note: This is sooo de-ja-vu). I headed straight for the pantry sink to wash and fill my cup with drinking water. As I was doing just that, there was a sudden electrical spark went down my spine and it was then I heard it.

A woman's voice.

It was sobbing and sniffling uncontrollably and suddenly, it howled and wailed! For several seconds it sounded like it was directly behind me, and the next it sounded like it was upstairs (Note: My office is on the highest floor, above is the top roof) and then it sounded like it came from inside the elevator. It sounded so hollow, in fact, too hollow. It was as if the sound was everywhere.

And then the howling stopped as swiftly as it started. My back stiffened and I stood up right. I held my breath as I turned around and observed the place. It was just as ordinary as like it always has been. As I anticipated, nobody was around. I don't remember anyone being in the washroom with me. So as I was scouting the place, with my peripheral vision, there was nothing and no one, except for me. I quickly filled my cup and walked out of the place.

As I entered the office, I wasn't surprised that my face was obviously pale. I was definitely relieved to be in the presence of living beings. But the depths of my eyes told uncertainty. Yes I was indeed uncertain of what I had heard, for it was indefinitely natural. So I stumbled to my colleague and asked her if she has heard any wailing. Of course she said no. Then, her bravery brought her on to investigate. I trailed slowly behind her, being the coward I never knew I was at that very moment. Although I already knew there was no wailing anymore, I was hoping it would occur again so I can actually define what it was that I had heard and not sounded like a moron. To my disappointment, there wasn't any.

So we walked back to the office and we went to our respective cubicle and soon the encounter was forgotten. At least on her part. I am clearly still uncomfortable with the whole damn incident. But what the heck, I am so used to these incidents I am not really afraid anymore. To hell with them!

my own moderator

I have no idea how many relationship breakups are there in a year, less be it a week. But I know that everyday, there are partners out there who have finally decided to end it all. But it also isn't everyday that you hear your closest buddies going through it either. So each time I hear a friend of mine has ended their love life, I'd try to turn on my understanding mode. Though I do not agree in crying, sulking, whining, complaining, desperately upset over the matter, I'd try to console them the best I can.

I admit I have been through several breakups of my own. Most of them unpleasant, obviously. It surely is hard to stay as friends with some of them. Whilst some are just dandy. Hearing a close friend of mine going through the breakup has brought up many ghosts of my past. Some which I tend not to remember, and some which I can never forget as it is already engraved somewhere in the depths of my mind and heart.

All I know is that I have to be stronger and tell myself that no one can hurt me, regardless. I have not love someone the way I used to anymore. I care.. I do.. but it isn't just the same as love. I tend to lose the understanding of love ever since I can remember. I have become as hard as a rock, as cold as a stone. And because of that, I have not trusted anyone in this matter, not even myself. But I guess it is partially my fault for bringing myself possible pain, since I especially am more attracted to bad boys. Yes, they are exciting and exhilirating. They take my breath away, literally. What's more, they're deeply intriguing. They slice my senses and brings my body and spirit to flames. *not in an intimate way.. don't so corrupted, please*

And then, the next I'd remember was waking up alone in my bed, trying to forget the pain that he has brought me by finally leaving. Letting the ghastly fact haunt my very soul. I had no other choice other than to let it all go and move on with life as though it has never happened. Believe me when I said I am already immuned to it all. As every bad relationship turned into a good lesson. And I had to learnt it the hard way. Of course, it isn't my first lesson, it will definitely not my last.

And I am contented. Right this moment. I am not alone. Thanks to Derek.

the final countdown

What have I got to look forward for? -Nothing much at the moment.

Things seem to be settling down. Faltering into the back of the whole scene. This ordeal should turn out fine, I guess. I'm not the least bit affected, at least notuntil last night. Maybe I was about to fall sick and yesterday my body was weak. Really weak. I guess that explains why I had almost fainted in front of my manager. He was quite worried about my welfare. Though I didn't show much. He was like a father figure.. A very young father figure. That's what he is anyway but we're not talking about him.

Like I said, I almost blacked out for a moment there. It was extremely hot around yesterday. I guess the heat was getting the best out of me. I had a headache when I first awoke. At least until after I met up with Mei, I was already fine. Maybe I just needed to unwind and enjoy the hours of relaxation. I have been cooped up in the office, in the confinements of my small, sad, pathetic cubicle, facing the damn LCD screen for at least close to 10 hours a day. And let's not forget the unmerciful timeline given for each and every project that fell into my hands for the past month.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself a lil bit for not having enough 'me time'. Believe me, I've not even trim my nails and cuticles for the past month. And my hair... GAWD my hair is so frizzy I didn't even have the time to conditionize it properly for the past several weeks. Just touch and go with shampoo.

Alright, I know I am whining & complaining but I just can't seem to get what I want and what I want now is some me time. So Thank God it's Friday! I shall forever worship the fact that you exist before Saturday! and that I will always pray and pray harder that you will speed up and quicken the hours until 6pm and slow it down to a reaaaaal good notch after 6pm. You will forever be etched into the bottom of my heart for you are the saviour of my hard-ass week. All Hail, Friday! LONG LIVE FRIDAY! I love you! [puts my hands up and looks into the sky with a really grateful face]

I guess I'm really too free at the moment... [bitch bitch bitch]

the war within me

I have been incredibly patient when I was customizing my blasted blog layout. It isn't everday that I chang my blog layout though. Previously, with the old template, I was even more pathetically patient in editing because of the damn HTML. I didn't even know there was a new template that makes editing so much simpler than the Dummies Book.

For the past several weeks, I was mentally strained. My life has become darker than before. Inside me I am warring with myself. A battle of good and.. death. The results?.. I detached myself from people, devoid myself from emotions. Becoming more stoic than ever. I am senile, yet I refuse to be broken. On land, I roam like the silent spirit, but when I dream, the battle was hard.

No, I do not turn to anyone for I do not need their presence looming over my already somewhat beaten form. My state of mind cannot handle the kind of annoyance. It is better to be left alone. That is all I want.

Happy 24th Birthday, Derek.

The thought of sharing a lifetime with you, is overwhelming with excitement, yet it frightens me. We have yet to take the next [ultimate] step, but I have a feeling that we are closer to it than before. What we share, can never be replaced by any living soul in this entire universe. That is how precise you are to me. We may have many [countless] differences, but we are not very different at all, you and I. From the first moment I set my eyes on you, I admitted I hoped you longed and desired me. For when I looked into your eyes for the very first damn time, I knew you were really different apart from the world. You have given me a priceless and valueble gift.. -your heart..

Your heart, where you have never let anyone ventured into the depths of it, except for me. And I am estatic to know that I have brought you the same sensations and desires in me as well. I will not call you my love, my heart, my soul, my only one, for you are already that. I will call you my best friend in the whole wide world. Because you are all that, who understands me better than the whole universe combined, if not better.

For all that alone, I'd want to be the one to be able to wish you a birthday greet that no one has been able to conjure up.

Have a blast baby..

Stop & Stare

I've come to the conclusion that I allow myself to only look, stare and observe the good looking fishes out there. All see-but-no-touch. It keeps my mental and self-esteem in check. After all, I accept the fact that I'm already taken and 'owned' [note that I did not mention possessed]. At least I feel belonged. But of course, it doesn't hurt anyone to look, now would it? [smirks]

leave me alone..

I feel you, watching me. I feel you, near me.. haunting me. I feel you, on me, next to me, in front of me and behind me. Pounding in my head, seeping into my veins. I can sense your proximity. You touch me sometimes, it keeps me warm. Most times, you just leave me cold.

Who are you?

Why are you doing this?

I don't know you!

Absence

It was approximately 7ish in the evening, Derek was already waiting for me downstairs, at level 1. I was at the 7th floor in a friend's house. On the short walk to the elevator, I put on my earphones and listened to the music I was playing prior. I waited impatiently for the damn thing to reach 7th floor. As it reached, I got in quickly in hopes to get out of there as fast as possible.

The journey down to level 1 was long and it felt like it took forever. Apparently, the lift stopped at level 4. Now this is where the supposedly scary part comes in. In chinese believes, the 4th floor in all condominiums are a taboo to their well being, or anything to do with the number '4', for any matters. I do not believe in these nonsense, but felt uneasy nonetheless.

As the lift stops, the door opened. It was dark and chilly outside the confinements of the elevator. The lights were dim and dark. No one came in, though. There wasn't even anyone standing outside, waiting for the arrival of the lift.

The funny thing is, the lift of the door wouldn't close. I kept pressing the button for it to close but it still wouldn't budge. It was then I felt a gush of soft, cold breeze blew into the lift. After another second or so (after the breeze) the door closed. I felt a sudden nausea in my gut. The insides of the elevator felt as if it was on fire. It was stuffy and I couldn't breathe. It was as if there were many people inside the lift but there was actually no one.

So, once again, the journey to level 1 took even longer than before. I felt like I could pass out anytime. Instead of facing the elevator door, waiting for it to open, I opted to face the walls of the lift. It is better to know my surroundings rather than let 'them' creep up on me from behind. I'd let 'them' know that I am indeed not afraid of them, and that I know that they are there.

When the door opens, I quickly walked out and got into the car. It was never spoken again.

Alright, call me paranoid. Although I do not believe in some crappy superstitious fact, but I do believe there are supernatural beings surrounding us.

Lollipop Crush

Tim and I was talking about our latest blog updated posts. Tim's latest blog has a cropped image from facebook that somehow shows Shazo's profile picture. So we discussed about it.

Tim Ko Ko says:
did u noticed Shazo's face?

c a r o l drk says:
?.. where

Tim Ko Ko says:
in my blog...the newest post.

c a r o l drk says:
oh yea i went to her profile this morning
lol farnee

c a r o l drk says:
are her eyes memang lidat or bloody photoshop too?
lol.. look damn cute n farnee

Tim Ko Ko says:
haha Amelia did the photoshop for her. XDXD... she looks like TOYOL (note that I bolded the word)....
u know those small baby-like gremlins that runs around.. haha!!!

c a r o l drk says:
I KNOW
but damn cute... so her eyes are fake? lol

Tim Ko Ko says:
i think Amelia adjusted the picture...everything is real, just that she did something to it. haha!!

c a r o l drk says:
lol.. i think the eyes are real

scowls

Is it my fault that my brain has the ability to grasp better graphic context rather than theoretically based context?

-- I guess not.

The problem here (with me) is that, trying to comprehend what has been said to me, is harder than comprehending what has actually been shown to me. Right there, is where miscommunication (again, with me) occurs. On the other hand, when I say something, it is normally according to the graphic images that are playing in my memory store room. In other words, my memory store will remember the picture instored, then it plays in slides over and over again, and sends out to my nerves and wired it to my brain, my brain will let me know what words I should use, and hence, it projects to my voice box and out comes the scene from my mouth. In other words, I tell what I see.

So, can somebody please, kindly tell me, when my boss assigns me a task, be it menial, easy, worthless, important, major, super mega major, why the hell can't he be more specific in whatever the hell he wants, however he wants it?!

It just gets on my nerves when after he assigned some design task, then I'll use my ever-so overwhelming talented skills, he will say, "This is not how I picture it... "

I would always give him the most shitty face I could ever sum up. The most stoic, the most pathetic face with the angriest scowl I could manage.

Unbreakable

I REFUSE TO BE BROKEN !!!

Going Under

GOING UNDER

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented, daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again
So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under

by: Evanescence

Label : Rage and Hate

Audio De Ja Vu

I've always had occurences of de ja vu's. Most of it are visions that I've never seen before. Visions that are bound to happen, either in the next hours or the next day. I dream about them most of the time.

Apparently, it happened again. But this time, it wasn't a vision but an audio version. I've heard these words spoken in my dream, and I've heard it, live today. It's uncanny, weird. Profusely frightening.

I dreamt of a dialogue between my colleagues, and it scared the shit out of me when I heard it just a few minutes ago. It went like this.

Colleague A: I'm hungry la.

Colleague B: Go eat la, fucker!

Colleague A: Call me a fucker, is it, fucker?!

Colleague B: I nicely tell you go eat, you call me fucker...

My heart stopped for a second when I heard those very words. It was like I've heard it somewhere before but has no clue of it. So I have concluded it as a de ja vu matter. It wasn't very scary because I'm kinda used to these stupid occurences. But it sure as hell was downright weird to have it in audio version.

Crushed Crush

I remember the days when I had celebrity crushes. A few of them, actually but they were mostly short-lived. Until I had this crush, a major one, on Westlife's Mark Feehily. Yes, I was so in love with him, I'd fantasize about being with him and no one else. Well, of course, that is a very impossible act. The fact that I can never have him makes me want him more. Ahh those were the days. He was the first thing on my mind when I awake and the last before I lay asleep. It was just bliss thinking of him every moment of the day.

Frankly, he was my secret hero. With his pretty boy face. Those luscious and pouty lips makes me wanna kiss it so much. Those crystal clear sapphire eyes makes me want to drown in it forever. And those dimples.. what cute dimples he has.. sigh~

But instead of having a crush on him, I was crushed. He is GAY. Yes, it turns out that he has been dating Kevin McDaid for years. Sniff. And here I thought he was a woman's killer.

Well he is a woman's killer. He's killed many girl's dreams, and I'm one of them. :(

You can read all about it here

Judgment Day

This was a scene from my dream. The day when night is brightened with the sun and the moon as one. The sky a bright red and purple hue. The land, a dark mass of earth beneath it all.
Not so much of a twilight zone. But a twilight zone nonetheles.
The atmosphere was intriguing yet frightening.
It has put fear into my very subconcsious being.
The earth was moving rapidly.
Not so much of a judgment day...
And in my dream, the time frame for this scene was at 2pm.
And it's no eclipse.

Disturbed

There was a girl, dressed in a floral summer dress that flows to her calves. She was running in the fields, laughing as though there were no boundaries in life. She was as free as a bird. The gentle breeze ran against her smooth porcelain skin as she skipped among the flower beds beneath her. She looked back, once in a while, her smile plastered on her beautiful face. There were birds. They were doves that was flowing around her like a ripple without a direction. She was a beautiful sight.

The birds guided her to a path. It led to a cave opening. It was big and dark. She stopped at the opening and looked back. Then, she smiled and followed the flying doves. There were many steps into the cave. She ran up the wet steps, eager to reach her unknown destination. Anticipation and excitement overwhelmed her as she was nearing the top. The fire burning along the walls of the cave made her look like an exotic creature molded from the hands of God himself. She was filled with glee as she giggled and laughed. As she reached the top, she halted abruptly and realised she was in a room fully lit with candles. Then suddenly, BAM!.. the fire flicked off.

There were only darkness, consuming her entire being. She felt lost. She crumbled onto the ground, holding her chest as it tightens into pain and anguish.

The question is, who was the one watching her being so happy, so full of life, then suddenly, like a lost puppy?.. It was him.. The man of her dreams. And she, the woman of his dreams.

And so the fire returned, engulfing the room with light. It was an exquisite restaurant. She stood up, dumb founded. 'Where is this place?', she thought. She felt a presence from behind, and turned around. It was him. He had brought her here. She hugged him, smiled and barely whispered in her breath "You're here.."

Then I woke up.. yes it was a dream. A very disturbing one at that.