Justify

Sometimes I feel like my life is falling apart, but at the same time, I feel like because it's so full and completed, thus it cramps and breaks. Collapse without a warning. There was a time when I felt like something in me snapped and I collapse on my knees, completely broken and defiled. When I got up, I only had a smack in my face, telling me that everything I had done, was utterly useless. I believe I am stronger now, perhaps a little too strong. Emotions of love and of the kindred souls doesn't mean anything to me. I've become another person, cynical, sceptical, sadistic, heartless, loveless. I may feel a little for you, but all I felt whenever someone is next to me, is anger and rage. No, I don't hate. I don't curse people who are insigficant to me and I don't give a damn about them as well.

Love is meaningless to me, but I do care. I care a lot, perhaps more than you thought I would. I had been broken too many times to even comprehend the meaning of love anymore. Love for who? ... and love for what? I have learned the hard way to trust no one other than myself, so that no one is able to hurt me anymore. But it'll be nice to fall back on someone sometimes.

The Rasmus - Justify.

So close so far I'm lost in time
Ready to follow a sign
If there was only a sign
The last goodbye burns in my mind
Why did I leave you behind?
Guess it was too high to climb

Give me a reason
Why would you want me
To live and die
Living a lie
You were the answer
All that I needed
To justify, justify my life

Someone as beautiful as you
Could do much better it's true
That didn't matter to you
I tried so hard to be the one
Its something I couldn't do
Guess I was under the gun

Give me a reason
Why would you want me
To live and die
Living a lie
You were the answer
All that I needed
To justify, justify my life

It's only right
That I should go
And find myself
Before I go and ruin
Someone else

So close so far
I'm lost in time
Ready to follow a sign
If there was only a sign

Give me a reason
Why would you want me
To live and die
Living a lie
You were the answer
All that I needed
To justify, justify my life

It's only right
That I should go
And find myself
Before I go and ruin
Someone else

urgh

Yesterday must be one of the most dreaded day of my life. It has been so long since I actually felt something this dreadful and I never thought I'd feel it all over again.

It seems like I will never be feeling safe as long as these kinda things happen. How can I overcome this?

Label: shitty and lemeelone

speechless

Complications are driving me up the wall. I need time off...

Mindless Pondering

I have always wondered how it would be if I was in the other person's shoes, regardless of who that person is.

The questions are:

Would the grass be much greener on the other side?
Would it be the same?
Would I prefer my own side once I've tasted the other side?

I have no idea, cus one will never know until they have gone through the lives of the other. Unable to understand? Then you're too stupid, I'm sorry to say. You should behead yourself and dunk it in the toilet bowl and flush it.

The answers to the questions above:

No, the grass will never be greener on the other side if you had made the right decisions in the first place.
Yes, it is all the same, depending on how satisfied you are with your life.
Be content, and you will know where you stand with the things you already have.

Kudo's!

Finally, the hardest task of my current assignment is finished, which is printing the addresses of the all 10,000 (possibly more, I'm sure) High Schools and Primary Schools in all of Malaysia. Sabah and Sarawak included. After that, I'd peel each and every label and paste it on each and every envelope. Which I would eventually compile it in a 100 pieces of envelopes stash. After that, I'd insert the flyers of the product into each and every envelopes, sealing it in the end, and doing a recount before the mass mail out. Heil Hitler!

At the end of the day, I admit I enjoyed some parts of the process, for instance, pasting the labels and sealing the envelopes. Recounting them was a bitch, so was inserting the damn flyers. As I sit in of the pc, blasting the music through my tiny little earphones, I'd be inserting the flyers in all the envelopes, by the 100's and 1000's every single day for the past 2 weeks and 3 days.

It was as if I seeped into a trance while inserting them blasted flyers.

Surprisingly, and shockingly enough, it actually takes me 10 FREAKING minutes to insert the flyers into FIFTY envelopes. TEN GODDAMNED MINUTES. It only meant one thing though, that I'd be doing more of it, considering how many bloody 10 minutes I'll need to accomplish mailing out to the 10,000 (possibly more, I'm sure) schools, and of course, it meant that my work is getting lesser by every 10 fucking minutes.

Don't forget about the recount. Like I said, recount is a bitch. Not once recounting, not double, but just as I managed to recount till the last few envelopes of a state that has more than 800 Primary Schools alone!, one or two would be short and I'd have to recount the damn thing once again. Sometimes there'd be envelopes without the labels on it in the goddamned pile, completely sealed with the flyers in it. I guess it wants to join the club and get sent to some god damned state in Malaysia, who knows.

The results out of this nightmarish ordeal?

Back ache? Definitely. Good exercise? Maybe. A learning process? Fuck you.

My company is promoting a Mobile Interactive Whiteboard. Note that I wrote Mobile, which means it is portable, easily moved, and of course, ultra-lightweighted. Low to almost no maintenance cost, no setup or installation cost, not confined to a fixed classroom, total mobility with teachers.

You are able to teach from anywhere in the classroom, theaters, or lecture halls, provided there is a projector set up in the room. No shadow blockage whatsoever on the screen, even with short throw or long throw projector. No calibration or setup required everytime before the start of a class, less hassle on warranty and product replacement and finally, durable, easy to use and practical.

Introducing the Interwrite Mobi System (MOBI), the industry's first multi-user, multi-tablet system, the first system of it's kind that supports student-centered, collaborative learning where both teacher and students can concurrently interact with and contribute to the same digital content from team activities to learning simulations to interactive lessons.


Interesting? Why wouldn't it be?

I hope my boss is now a happy clam that more than often, I was a one man show in the mailing out of the flyers. In my case, woman.

During the times that my colleagues helped, some of you who were willing, I deeply thank you very much for reducing my workload, even just a tinge, I was happy, really. Those of you who I approached for help, I thank you very much too and those whom I asked for help, but gave me cock excuses or ignored me completely, fuck you very much.

One more thing, I've been using the font Georgia, which is one of what you're reading now, for the addresses on the labels, and my eyes are smitten with it. It is comfy to my eyes now so I shall use it for this post and if I like it, in the fucking near future, this shall be the font you will see from now on.

KUDO'S to moi!

Hell Hath No Fury Like Me.

It isn't enough that somebody just had to ruin your career, but your life as well? What good does it do to that somebody anyway? How does it even benefit that no good donkey?

I wish I had an answer to that. Although I don't wreck my head thinking about the crude possibilites of the action but I had been doing some thinking.

- Certain people are jealous of me.

I think that is the truth. It is brutal, it hurts, but I am happy being conceited this way. [grins]

I am a professional in my field, people loves me for what I can do, and of course, people loves me for me [grins wider] be it smarts or beauty. I am 40% brutally honest, 58% evil, and 2% innocent.

Ermm...

Yes, the stats are right. I believe so myself. [colgate grin]

Ahaks.. I just love myself sometimes. Especially when I am over exerting my confidence this way. Confidence baybehhhh!

Alright fine, perhaps a little too much confidence. I'm less uglier than you, I am a little bit smarter than you, I am still 58% evil and fuck innocence. 2% wouldn't make any difference. So make that 60% evil. Happy?

But beware. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Even though you're a woman who has infuriated me in a way which you shouldn't have, and right now, I am that woman scorned.

I'd Come For You

Just one more moment,
Thats all that's needed,
Like wounded soldiers,
In need of healing
Time to be honest
This time I'm pleading
Please don't dwell on it
'Cause I didn't mean it

I can't believe I said I'd lay our love on the ground,
But it doesnt matter 'cause I made it up forgive me now
Everyday I spend away my souls inside out
Gotta be some way that I can make it up to you now, somehow

By now you know that,
I'd come for you,
No one but you,
Yes I'd come for you,
But only if you told me to,
And I'd fight for you,
I'd lie its true,
Give my life for you,
You know I'd always come for you

I was blindfolded
But now I'm seeing
My mind was closing
Now I'm believing
I finally know just what it means to let someone in
To see the side of me that no one does or ever will
So if your ever lost and find yourself all alone
I'd search forever just to bring you home
Here and now, this I vow

By now you know that,
I'd come for you,
No one but you,
Yes I'd come for you,
But only if you told me to,
And I'd fight for you,
I'd lie its true,
Give my life for you,
You know I'd always come for you,
You know I'd always come for you

No matter what gets in my way,
As long as there's still life in me,
No matter what remember you know I'd always come for you

Yes I'd come for you,
No one but you,
Yes I'd come for you,
But only if you told me to,
And I'd fight for you,
I'd lie its true,
Give my life for you,
You know I'd always come for you,

No matter what gets in my way,
As long as theres still life in me,
No matter what remember you know I'd always come for you,
I'd crawl across this world for you,
Do anything you want me to,
No matter what remember you know I'd always come for you,
You know id always come for you

- I'd Come For You - Nickelback -

The song which I am currently smitten with. Everytime I hear this song now, it evetually reminds me of my current fiction. You can just imagine what kind of story I am writing about. *winks*

OMG it's death time!

I don't deem myself a psychic but I am quite a sensitive being in terms of the spiritual realm, I'll admit that. Since I was about the age of 4, I have realised my capability to sense, feel, hear and sometimes (rarely) see things which most people can't.

It is not something anybody wants, I assure you. I bet my 'third eye' is only half open. Sleepy bugger. -.-

But today I'm not talking about what I've noted above. I'm gonna talk about the immense amount of times I encounter de ja vu's.

It is uncanny as to how many times I get this. And there is one particular de ja vu which I always encounter.

You will not believe when I tell you this.

There are 1440 minutes in a day and everytime I look at the damn clock at a random time, it will always turn out to be a significant number which I deem important in my life.

10.28 am/pm : My birthday

08.54 am/pm : My dad's number plate jumbled up but close enough. (8054)

10.40 am/pm : Derek's old Waja which he has sold off

12.34 am/pm : just a common sequence in our everyday life

9.11 am/pm : erm... september 11? I don't know how is this important to me

01.23 am : another common sequence

03.o0 am : a sharp number don't you think?

11.11 am/pm : all 1's

So far, these are the numbers that has outstandingly appeared to my eyes each time I look at the clock to check the time. Like I said, it is indubitably uncanny. Unexplainable. Scary...

PS: Look at the time below this post. It shows the time this post was written. Coincidence much?

Hate with Rage

A hatred so deep, a grudge held so tight, and revenge will soon be avenged. I have not forgotten what you have done to me, for when I am soon to be capable to smite you where it hurts the most, very soon, you will not forget my name.

I assure you..

AAAAARGH!!!

Work has been killing me for the past 1 month. How I wish I could wring somebody's neck and blast them all into oblivion.

Sighs..

False Perception

Such a deceiving day. Doesn't portray any potential happenings. Deluded progressions. Makes me want to rip somebody's heart out.

Cute-nyer

Derek has been calling me cute recently. Everytime I do something weird, he calls me cute. Or when I do something stupid, he calls me cute. Or the time when I did something embarassing, and tried to cover it up, he calls me cute. When I said something dumb and ridiculously illigocal, he calls me cute. etc...

Maybe I am cute.

Label : Musing. Leave me alone.

A pimple on my right cheek that says "You're FUGLY!!"

Alright... It's been awhile. Carol is in the house, once again.

I've been missing for the past two weeks and believe me when I say it was indubitably HELL-ish!

Why, you ask?

First off, two weeks ago, I was at a 4 days conference in KLCC, it has drained the life out of me. The week before that, we had to prepare 500 sets of kit for the participants and it, again, drained the life out of me. So four days went passed, inclusive of two days straight arguing with Mr. President (Derek Lim) because I was cranky due to lack of hibernation. A pole was constantly stuck in my anal for some reason.

As the days roll by, and four days were over, I was back to my normal self again. Stoic.

Things were calm and everything was pretty peaceful. Until the next week, which was last week. We had another conference but this time it was held in PWTC that lasted 5 days. I'll admit it wasn't as boring as KLCC because we weren't confined to a booth but rather an open space area. We get to see many things, insignificant things too as there were other halls that were holding different conferences.

Bottom line is, PWTC was not AS boring AS KLCC. But boring nonetheless.

Today I should be having monday blues, but I was kind of enthusiastic to be in the office. After two weeks deprived of my cubicle, I finally feel somewhat at home. (I can't help it, my cubicle is my personal space from 9-6). I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!

Oh well, look at the bright side, paycheck day is tomorrow. I still have another day of cashless purse and bank account. I am serious. The balance in my bank account is less than 1o bucks. The past two weeks in KL has really sucked me into poverty. I.CAN'T. TAKE.IT.ANY.LONGER!!!! This sucks ass. (+_+)

My colleague is leaving. Tomorrow is his last day. Though he is the cutest, bubbliest Indian man I have ever seen. But his new office is in the next building, so meeting up for drinks would be easy.

I am smitten with Katy Perry - Thinking of You.

Vegeta is still the best.

Blogging is boring already.

I am currently working on four fictions at the same time. How great I am at that. Can't manage to finish it.

I just had a fulfilling lunch, I feel like puking now.

Derek woke up and PM-ed me.

DEREK : Hey baby, I'm awake.

ME : Hey baby, good afternoon. I am calculating my mileage claims.

DEREK : Baby don't let your brains burst ok? [grins]

ME : What the hell do you mean by that? My brain is not that small ok!

DEREK : .... ok

*speechless* (he was never that compliant)

ME : ... that was easy..

DEREK : what I say isn't always the truth you know.

ME : O_O... so what is the truth then?

DEREK : errr... it's ok. ha-ha-ha-ha..

ME : *sweat anime style* You can't think cus you just woke up right.. hahahaha

DEREK : OooOOoo.. -.-" ... baby so smart wan..

ME : Of cus. This just proves that my brain is not as small as you say it is. [smugness]

Alright, that was a random chat and it sounds funny in the end. I can't comprehend what I said even. It took me like 10 minutes to realise what I just wrote. I said 'my brain is not as small as you say it is'.. So... how small is my brain? @_@

Alright, I am confusing myself now. Derek has been calling me peanut brain for the past several years till I am somewhat believing him now. OOOooOOOO I hate him so!!!

Love Sick

Last week, Derek was sick. He was coughing roughly as if his lungs were burning. His body ached and his throat was sore. His system were so heated up, he could hardly move properly.

ME : Don't worry baby, I'll be taking care of you.

Over the weekends, Derek was haflway recovering and it was my turn to fall sick.

DEREK: Don't worry baby, it's my turn to take care of you.

Fuck Lim

Last night, while waiting for the arrival of some friends, Derek and I were hanging out, having our late dinner in a cafe in the midst of Sunway Pyramid. While somewhat enjoying our scrumptious pathetic meal, we started talking about what we will be naming our children. Well, I have come up with certain names such as;

Jared
Ethan
Don
Ivanka (girl)

Well, he didn't really like the names so I gave him an alphabet to start with. I gave him, 'F'.

So I took the head start.

ME: What about ~flower~ [grins]

Obviously I was joking.

ME: 'Falken'!

Ok, fine, I was joking as well.

DEREK: Fuck Lim!

I stared at him dumbfounded, absolutely speechless. Who the hell in the world would name their son 'Fuck Lim'?!

DEREK: Alot of people is gonna sin so as long as they call our son.

ME: The government would probably not even approve. Hell, even the computer system while registering for for his IC would be a great problem. Instead of FUCK LIM it'd be **** LIM. But hell, it's great publicity, and our son would curse us for the rest of his life.

DEREK: Just imagine. Dato' Sri Tan Sri Fuck Lim!

Hahaha, funny though, playing with our children's name. It's pathetic, I know. But we had a laugh. At least now we have something to tell our children about next time too.

HELP! I no faham Lu!

Some old man added me in Facebook.com and well, he doesn't look harmless for an old man so I've accepted him. Approximately 10 minutes later, I logged into Facebook again and there was a notification stating that the old man had wall-ed me.

Old Man : 妳是位乐观泒的马来西巫子民，很高兴能分享到妳的喜悦，祝福妳：有梦最美、希望相随。 张酔翁。

Me : Sorry. I do not understand mandarin.

(half an hour later)

Old Man : 对不起[Sorry]！妳不懂中文[You don't understand mandarin ]！但 - 我却不懂英文[ I do not understand english]，这是份遣憾 [??????????]。

Rrrrrrriiiiggghhhttt.. Way to go, Old Man. I discarded the conversation entirely after that, seeing that it was completely hopeless in trying to converse. After all, I have no clue as to who he was. Probably I should just delete him off my list. Hahaaaaks. But I feel sorry for him as he only had 9 fwens. Awwww~

You Love, You Learn.

Derek came to pick me up from the pool centre after having a draw game with a colleague of mine. I wasn't really satisfied as I had beaten my colleague flat with a score of 12-5 the previous week in another pool centre, compared to an 8 all last night. I think the place is cursed. Oh, well.

Anyway, Derek and I left the place and headed to the night market in SS2 to return and exchange a faulty CD we bought 3 weeks back. It was a busy place, filled with all kinds of people, and once again, I automatically transformed into a misanthrope. Seriously, being in close proximity with people is just not one of my many things. I despise being in the same place where I breathe in their intoxicated carbon dioxside and the sight of the disgusting muck and grime of the premise. In fact, my fingertips were all itchy and swollen with allergy at the end of the journey. Call me an OCD, I admit that I am. Invisible filth just put me on the edge.

After we left the night market, we headed to my house because Derek was sleeping over. We both admitted that we couldn't sleep properly the night before because we weren't together. I had nightmares and he couldn't sleep until 9am in the morning. How quaint.

On the way to my house, we had to stop at a traffic light. Listening to the new Akon CD which we've exchanged to, blasting the music in the car and enjoying the bass of the amps, we were oblivious to our surroundings. As we were bobbing our heads to the music, Derek's head bobbed to the right and he was looking nonchalantly at the vehicle next to him. It wasn't until he started bursting out in laughter that I've decided to turn the volume down low and asked him what the fuck was his problem.

Then I looked over him to see what had him to that kind of outburst, I started to laugh nervously and shook my head.

'What am I gonna do with him?' I asked myself.

There was a van which stopped next to our right. It was a van of a 'Rumah untuk Kanak-Kanak Spastik'.

Well, the only word that was presented upclose to Derek's face was the word 'Spastik', which explains the outburst. He said he was completely oblivious to the rest of the words except 'Spastik'.

As the lights turned green for the outer lane, which the van was on, the van took off to the right. Derek just had to shout after the damn van and points at me frantically, "EHHHH! Lu sudah lupa satu ni!!!!"

Which means, "EHHHH! You've forgotten one!!!!"

Seriously, I ought to bash him up, lock him up in a dungeon and throw away the key.

Anyway, we were a good five minutes drive away from my house. So we settled in pretty quickly. I took my shower, reheated the food for his royal ass-ness, turned on the blasted television for him to watch, and we ate in silence, engrossed with the tube.

It took me about fifteen minutes to finish my small plate of food and it was soon that I retire to my ever-so-comfy bed. Well, I couldn't fall asleep as I toss and turned, contemplating whether if I should go out there and drag that carcass of a Derek in to bed with me, but decided against it anyway as I was indubitably tired.

I guess I was entering REM sleep when I felt a heavy weight crushing on me. I tried to push the thing off of me but I couldn't budge an inch. It was then this thing atop me starts to fill my face with light, soft, slow and gentle kisses, from my forehead to my lips, my jaw, and down the crook of my neck. I remember giving a small smile as I inhale that ever so distinctive scent.

"Baby, I wan goodnight kiss..."

I took a deep breath and snapped my sleepy eyes as large as I could. I thought I was dreaming but when he asked me to kiss him back, OMG!

I held my breath as long as I could as I stared into the eyes of Derek, unable to fathom the fact that he actually put his whole weight on me as I slept. I kissed him back and rolled over but not before mumbling something incoherently, telling him to bugger off, but he spooned me from behind and hugged me tightly, pecking me gently at the nape of my neck and inhaling the scent of my hair. It wasn't long that I realised he had released his hold on me and has already turned to face the opposite direction, completely away from me.

But it was sweet and believe me, we both found it rather weird as we both fell asleep, just like that. Completely different from the night before where we found it extremely hard to have a good night's rest. I guess we both found the cure of insomnia in each other, or perhaps we're both just too boring for each other, we could fall asleep faster than usual.

Wilt and Die!

Tim is getting on my nerves and I hate him so much. I have never made it a secret of my hatred for him. It runs so deeply that sometimes I have the sudden urge of strangling him to death, chop his body into pieces, chop those pieces into littler pieces and then burn and cook it and feed it to the dogs, chop the dogs to little pieces and chop those dog pieces into littler dog pieces. I hope you get what I mean.

There is a list of why I hate Tim so much.

1 - He has delicious lamb or beef for dinner at random days, which I can resort to doing so but hearing him telling me he has them for dinner at a random evening just makes my blood boil and my mouth salivating, especially when I'm still in the office, craving for food.

2 - He makes fun of me in all different languages of the world. Spanish, French, German, Italian, etc.

3 - He talks about armpits and sex, associated with Cecilia. Disgusts me greatly.

4 - He says hi to me in armpits language.

5 - He still associates with dumb blondes act-alikes.

6 - I'm not his lunch partner anymore.

7 - He won't shaddup when I tell him to shaddup. Of course, he must have took it as voided because the spelling doesn't make up for the meaning. Dumb ass.

8 - He has a new Iphone even if its unreal.

9 - I just plain hate him.

10 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Double, double, Toil and trouble.

Derek and I was bored out of our gourd the other day and seeing that it was a weekend, it was dull nonetheless. The day was scorching hot so we've decided to head to the bathroom, with clothes on, of course and splashed each other senseless with freezing ice cold water. It was, exhilirating and refreshing and relieving.. well you get the idea. After numerous splashes and giggles and crazy laughters, the heat in the confinement of the bathroom was getting to our heads. We were soaked and wet and no breeze was venturing into the hollow walls.

I was trying to peel off my heavy jeans that was sticking at every fiber of my legs, it was annoying. Then I saw something.

It was floating right it front of me. As I looked at it wide-eyed, I could see through it as it was transparent and it floated slowly and nonchalantly in front of my eyes. I reached my hands out to touch it but before I could even manage to lay a fingertip on it, it disappeared.


Seeing it popped, my faceful of smiles faltered into sadness. Derek was laughing manically, mocking my every existence for popping a bubble and getting upset over it. I was pissed, so we started a bubble feud. We had to blow the biggest bubble ever.

We had no idea who won because the bubbles just kept popping and we got tired after that whole ordeal. But it was a fun past-time although we had wrinkly hands and feet after that, for being in the bathroom for 2 whole hours. I had to apply a handful of lotion later to revitalize my skin all over.

Perfect gift?

I've finally received the parcel which I was supposed to pick it up from Pos Laju. Well, Derek picked it up for me and we were both anxious to find out what it was. After picking it up, I asked Derek to come over to my office so we could open it together. Well, HE opened it, not me. It was supposed to be my parcel. But what the heck, he was excited like a little puppy. Aww~

Anyway, it was sealed, of course. Derek tore the opening, but he only managed to peel a small piece off. His face faltered from the smiles and he looked hopelessly miserable. He gave me his puppy eyes, however bigger his eyes could possibly go. hahahaa

So I told him to peel it off slowly, and he tried the second time and succeeded in finally tearing open the damn thing.

Inside it was a black velvet box. It's surface was smooth and velvety which makes it irresistable to the touch.

Derek: Baby, you got diamond ring aww~

It can't be, could it? Well, of course not. Diamond rings doesn't come in a box half the size of a tissue box. So I shut him up impatiently, telling him that he's ridiculous.

As I opened the box, there was a black velvety miniature cushion sitting perfectly confined in the center of the box. Circling it was a shiny silver round watch attached to a black silk leather band. It was... ok only laa..

Well, it was a complimentary gift from UOB for using it's credit card with a single receipt purchase of minimum RM300. Now it got me thinking, did I spend that much?

Stupid Toyol

AMANDA: This is a funny one, and it isn't scary at all.. trust me. :)

Before I start, let me show you the placing of my room.


It was in the middle of the night, somewhere in between 3am and 4am. Derek and I were sound asleep, with the air conditioner full blast.

Then, it happened again.

I normally off all the lights when I hit the sack and it was no exception for this particular night. I normally sleep on the left side of the bed, next to the wardrobe while Derek sleeps on the right. Like I said, it was approximately 3ish in the morning when my eyes snapped open for no apparent reason. However, I didn't feel like I was really awake, but subconsciously awake. It was then I have concluded that I had fell victim to sleep paralysis for the countless of times throughout my whole life.

Back to the story.


See the blue mark? As I opened my eyes, I saw this black short, stunted figure pushing my chair away from the bed. It was running and I could see the wheels of the chair moving. It was like an illusion of some sort because the chair was in fact, wasn't really moving anywhere at all. It was at the same position as I had left it before I went to sleep and even when that thing was running away with it, the chair was actually still. So it ran and pushed and ran and pushed and ran and pushed and then it stopped!

The motherfucker turned around slowly and looked at me in the eyes. All I could do was lay still and look back, unable to move a single limb.


Then the fucker had to walked all the way to my side. Well, I think it floated rather than walked. As it stood still beside me upclose, I stared at him with the corner of my eyes. My breathing was ragged as I finally got a good look at it's face. It had black deep sockets for eyes and a torn mouth with sharp razor fangs for teeth; all of it!

I estimated the height of the fucking troll, it's as high as a 20inches wheel. That was how short it was. The fucker was skinny, with a dirty pale white and slimey body with multiple tinge of blood red patches on it, it was hideous!

It just stood there, looking at me and that was all it did. It didn't move, didn't make a sound. It just.. stood there... watching me with a quizzically expression.

I had a sudden urge to grab it, and in a swift movement, somehow my limbs went free. I took a hold of it's hands tightly, not letting it a chance to leave. I tried to wake Derek up to switch on the lights, but he couldn't hear me.

The thing was struggling with me as it tried to pry himself free from my grasp. It's breathing was ragged and rough, I could still remember the sounds of the horrible wheezing and grunts. I looked at it, and it's face showed a sense of fear. That was when I know it was afraid, it was frightened.

I stared at this thing dumbfounded. As I loosen my grip, my hands were still holding onto it's hands as if letting it a choice to be free. Well, of course, the thing backed off from me and walked back to the chair.

Then the fucker stood in front of my bed once again, looking back at me. It slowly turned around, it's back facing towards me. Once again, the stupid fuckhead started pushing the chair and ran like it was doing earlier.

It was like a fucking replay and rewind scene. And what the hell was wrong with it, pushing and running away with my chair?! Motherfucker!

Ok, I'm sorry Manda..

Complexity of the mind, body and.. brains?

In a blink of an eye, who would have thought mid-year has arrived. I definitely did not, but had anticipated it some while back. As the present day, I shall find the time now to reminisce the good ol' days, but define! good ol' days.

I would say, my highschool days are considered the best past-time ever. I wasn't a smart alec as the science geeks, but my passion for art and creative writing has got me where I am today and knowing where I have come from, made me who I am today. But of course, the present will not be present if it wasn't for the past. I take my past as a vivid experience. Highschool was the time that you'd give anything to do everything that you have yet to get done. Here is a list of what I had done with my friends during highschool:

1. Skipped school for several consecutive weeks without getting caught.
2. Likewise for on-going classes.
3. I've tried smoking in F1.
4. Started drinking in F2 with Amanda in the school bus-stop.
5. Played hookey while an event is going on in the school.
6. Slept in classes such as history, maths, art, P.E, science, english, bm, commerce, literature.
7. Stealing stuff.
8. Cat fighting, fist fighting.
9. Boyfriend stealing.
10. Numerous boyfriends.
11. Having beta house sex. (haha) don't believe me.
12. Making teachers hate us, just for the fun of it.
13. Conquered the Leo club, athletic club, cheerleading club, arts and craft, arts and performance.
14. And the list goes on.

Of course, nobody really liked us during that era for we portrayed nothing more than ourselves. We were very much ourselves. That was who we were and who we are! We are still the same people with the same personality and the same name. Only different preferences, but nonetheless, we hang onto each other, we love each other.

I do miss my highschool days. They are worth it all, for if we did not do those ridiculous shenanigans, we wouldn't learn. We had reached to a point of no return in such cases where we took it as a lesson learnt. But still does it anyway and if not for our ever so daring balls *if we have them*, we'd still be stuck in the fantasy world with no tinge of reality. Who would ever believe a fairy tale ending in real life, they'd be stupid. Yes, we can be happy, we can be carefree, but if we do not take care of our hide, nobody will. It's a dog eat dog world out there, every man; or rather every woman, for themselves.

Jakun: A malaysian slang, similar to 'noob'

That we'd be. I believe in being street smart is better than book smart. So what if you've read every single book there is published? You'll never learn it unless you face it head on. That, is learning.

Political views, shouldn't be just liberal. It should be liberal yet justified! Who'd ever thought that we could have our speech freely and had to take responsibilities for it. Preposterous!

However, ignorance is bliss. Period. Defense is an advantage. Always play your cards right, and until then, never put your cards on the table unless you're cinch to win! oh, and modesty always plays a great part on your ass. Never doubt that.

Keep Out Of Reach Of Children

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
The color of the fonts in this post has been adjusted. The post contains high insensitivity exclaims and is not for the weak of hearts. If you have the balls and you wish to continue further, please kindly highlight the fonts after this sentence.

Dear You,

1. I don't give a fuck if you know any high and mighty society of the worlds but if you want to compare contacts with me, bring it on babe! :)

2. I particularly do not care if you were once a sales person, but please, keep that little detail to yourself. The 'Don't be arrogant or you will fail' advice which your ex-boss gave you, was most probably a hidden warning just so you don't fuck up your job when 'dealing' with high society customers that expects you to boot-licking.

3. What I wrote in my blog, if you insist on implying that it is you, be my guest. Tear it down, sue me for defamation, I don't care. What can you do about it? There's not a slight mention of your name in it so if you want to make a fool out of yourself, go ahead.

4. Has anyone ever told you before that if you get affected by an insult, then the insult might probably be true?

5. What made you think the person I was insulting was you? Unless.. it is you?

6. I don't know you, and I wish to keep it at that. I don't want to have anything to do with you, so please, disappear.

7. You are a bitch. Admit it. Because I am jealous that you can be a better bitch and bitch better than me. Seriously. Believe me.

8. Has anyone ever told you, 'What goes around, comes around' ? Well, in this case, if you hadn't bitch about someone in the first place, that particular someone wouldn't bitch about you, am I right?

9. You're not that smart after all. Because smart people won't admit that they are smarter than other people, or brag that they know high society people, or think that they are greater than other people. They'd keep a low profile.

10. I am holier-than-thou. I am religious. I am lame. I am selfish. I am pathetic. I am hot. I am beautiful. I am bitchy. All those petty useless critics but not once had you thought that maybe I just like to mind my own business.. I was in a bad mood for GOD'S SAKE when I did not say hi to you!.. Puh-leeezzzzeee don't hate me!.... Nah, don't believe the last two sentences.. :)

11. I am not the one harassing you, for you are the one venturing into my blog and hopes to seek out any kind of super intelligent confidential details and information that you might stumble upon and use it against me.. OH NOOO!!!!! IT WASN'T ME!!!!

12. Talking about maturity. Don't think that you are much more mature than me because I assure you, I don't wish to be that mature. But I am, unfortunately. *sad face*.. I just like to post bullshit stories in my blog about anyone and anything I wish at anytime I want.

So if you're thinking of coming over to find me and give me a little bashing, or a little cat fight, or perhaps kill me?.. I can't stop you now, can I? So why don't you just be a quiet little girl, sit back and for once, learn to keep your nose out of people's business.

Sincerely,
Me.

I told you not to read it.

The owner of this blog, or the writer of this post is not and will not be responsible for any deaths or conspiracy that is likely to happen to the reader after reading this post. The reader has accepted the warning (above) and has either chose to heed the warning by turning to leave the post or ventured into it. Either way, the reader should accept the consequences which follows through, none whatsoever is relevant to the owner of this blog or the writer of this post. In other words, I DON'T CARE. Fuck you very much for your time.

Death note

A note was addressed to my house today, with my name on it. My mom called me when I was in the office and anxiously told me that there was a note, sent to me by Pos Laju, kindly requesting me to collect my courier item which is with them at the time being.

Now, I found this quite interesting. As I went on home, I had actually forgotten all about the note. It was left on my table, strongly visibly for me to see, but.. I did not noticed it until my mom reminded me.

So I took a look. There it was, my name, my parcel code, the date (as of today) and the location of the post office, I guess. Then, as I looked for more information in the note, for example, who sent it.. I couldn't find any.

That's weird, I thought.

I turned the note upside down, left, right, center and inside out, there is not one statement of whoever the hell sent me this parcel. No wonder my mom was freaked out. She must have thought some sick twisted masochistic sadist sent a parcel with an amputated head of a feral animal in it, without leaving more than puff of breath onto the parcel.

Alright, I hope it is a parcel, and not a pile of magazines or important documents!

I have yet to collect it but when I do..... when I do...

We shall see. I have a darned dang feeling about the sender. Shyte I sound like fucking dyke. Damn it rhymes.

PS: To whoever you are, kindly do not imply that this is you which I am talking about. Any incidents or accidents written in here, is most probably purely coincidental. Unless you're sure it is you, which I don't think you ever will be certain, I advice you to shut the fuck up and do not flame me. BECAUSE I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME IN IT!!!!!.. I hope you seethe in anger. Flush your head down the toilet!!! Go Liverpool!

Traumatic

I have a handful of phobias, below is the list.

Agoraphobic : Is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."

Scoliodentosaurophobia : Fear of lizards.

Aphenphosmphobia : Fear of being touched.

Atelophobia : Fear of imperfection.

Mysophobia : Fear of dirt and germs.

And the list goes on.

The purpose of this post today, is that I have come across one of the listed phobias above (see italic), which wasn't very much an excitement for me. In fact, it almost gave me a heart attack.

I was roaming around the house one day, with no particular aim of direction. When suddenly, a lizard from above the ceiling fell flat on the floor in front of me with a loud 'splat'. And so I did the only sensible thing to do.




Alright, I wasn't that pathetic, but it was nonetheless close to what you've just seen. Scary shitty lizard!

Impertinence Act

Oh yeah, I am the bitch that nobody likes when I turn on my bitchy mode to the maximum. The reason of the statement? Pretty obvious isn't it? Somehow this person which I'm going to bitch about, must have offended me in some ways, or I wouldn't get riled up this quickly.

I have a friend, MojoJojo, who has been going on and on about being helplessly in love with this girl, Hippo. She has a friend, let's name her Skunk. Well, technically, I do not know who these two girls are and I've only met them once, each. Hippo, I have nothing against her, Skunk, I used to have nothing against her. Hell, I don't even know them enough to have anything against them.

Whenever my friend writes or posts something in his blog, talking about his devoted love for Hippo, I'd comment freely in the post, be it sarcasm or the general truth. You see, people are contradictory; they are unpredictable and I believe stupid most of the times as they do not think through before acting or speaking. And what's worse, some people tend to misunderstand the things that people says easily. Now that really annoys the hell out of me. I mean, go back to a fucking kindergarten, you stupid fuckheads!

Yesterday I was having lunch with MojoJojo. He wanted me to fill in a form for Tiger FC, in regards to be in their club or to win some cockshit prize, I don't give a damn. And he was supposed to meet some girl who was to come and collect the forms from him. As we finsihed our meal, a hand came patting on my head; it was my lecturer, C. He's a really nice guy and he was in the same premise for a meeting of some sort. I was thrilled to see him after so long, I mean, we go waaay back to my highschool days. He was my art teacher, and I was his 'excelling' student. [grins]

C sat down with us and we had a nice chat, but it was cut short as he was supposed to proceed to his appointment. Then as we were still talking, some girl appeared before our table and said her usual greetings, I presumed. She said hi to me, and I, politely smiled back at her, then continued to chat away with C and she continued to chat with MojoJojo. That situation was only right for me to do that simple kind gesture.

Apparently, she was the one who was to collect the forms from MojoJojo, who was also the same girl student that my lecturer was having an appointment with, who happened to be the same girl that are friends with Hippo, who was also the same girl who doesn't like me very much.Wow, such coincidences, and I don't give a flying fuck. I was told that this girl did not really fancy me earlier because of my 'preposterous' comments in MojoJojo's blog about Hippo, who is her best friend. Well, I don't fancy her either.

When night falls, she had a chat with MojoJojo. As I anticipated, she commented upon meeting me the first time. I'd rather say, criticized about the whole damn thing. I wouldn't expect much from her though, presuming the person that she is.

I am not pissed off with the fact that she said I was:

Arrogant : Insolently proud. [source]

I don't deny that fact, because that is what I am when it comes to meeting people that I do not expect myself to come across. In other words, I don't give a damn flying fuck about anyone insignificant to me and I am definitely not the type to be sincerely nice to someone who doesn't fancy me in the first place. Seriously, you may ask anybody out there who has been my friends for at least 3 years and more, that I have been possessing this arrogant act towards people I do not know. Hell, they even experienced it first hand but we are still friends even after all these years and that only means one thing; I am technically a nice person after all. [wide smile]

Being arrogant was not the only thing that she said about me, of course. Now this is where it all started that made me so beyond pissed about. My friend mistakenly told her that I was 23 years old. In actual fact, I will be turning 22 by the end of this year and not too proud of getting older too. Daymn.

Anyhoo, all she could think of was 'she's only a year older only maaaaarrrrr'. I couldn't help but to drop my sweat, anime style. So what if I was really a year older? So what if I choose not to say hi to her, just because I am a year older than her? She probably thought to herself: Who does she think she is?!

Well, she's a year younger than me! So who the fuck does she think she is, that I just have to say hi to her?!

Seriously, just imagine the scene below here. I have a big colgate smile plastered on my face, which is very likely fake, I can assure you that.
Note: please read it in slow motion for better understanding and effect.

"Well, hi there!*waves hand* Oh I know you, *points finger at her* you're the one who thinks that I *points finger back at me* misunderstood your *points back at her*childish, infantile, immature, mentally deprived friend!! *pause with wide eyes for effect* Why, hello there! *smiles* Nice to meet you!! *shakes hand*"

Yea, very likely fake.

God, I just can't tolerate people who think so highly of themselves. Hell, I can't even tolerate my holier-than-thou act sometimes, what makes her think I even bother about what she wants from me? Insolent bitch. *rolls eyes*

She probably thinks I am a fucking bitch as well, could be worse. Well, I'm not denying that fact as I have turned on my unethically bitchy mode today. And I DEFINITELY do NOT deny everything I said in here. So sue me!

Brighter, Cleaner!

After assembling an exhibition banner for my perusal, it made my hand stink of dust and metal. Then I thought, 'might as well clean my messy table.' So I did. After it all, I went to the washroom to clean my hands using the handwash that was provided.

As I was lathering and washing my hands thoroughly, a very distinctive smell emanated under my nose. The scent brought back memories, back to when I was just a toddler. It was apple, I knew that. Because the handwash bottle was written 'Apple' but that's not the point.

Those memories were kind of dear to me as they brought back days when I was just learning how to brush my teeth using the ever-so-popular toothpaste which smells exactly the same as the scent that I smelt.

Kodomo Lion Toothpaste for kids

As I am writing this post, I can still smell the strong aroma that is coming from my hands.

Goodness

A friend of mine on facebook.com tagged me in one of the ever-so-annoying notes, which once you've been tagged, you just gotta *makes faces* do it, but I'd rather do it here. So, here goes.

001. Real Name → Caroline Hoh Private&Confidential
002. Nickname(s)→ Carol, Taikochi, Pokku, Woman, Roll Roll, Carrot, etc
004. Zodiac Sign → Scorpio
005. Male or Female → Female
006. Elementary → Methodist Kindergarten
007. Middle School → Methodist Primary School
008. High School → SMK Assunta
009. College School → TARC (3 months) /PJCAD (3 years)
010. Hair Color → Dark Brown
011. Long or Short → Middle length
012. Loud or Quiet → Both
013. Sweats or Jeans → None
014. Phone or Camera → Phone
015. Health Freak → No
016. Drink or Smoke? → Both
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → Does Vegeta counts?
018. Eat or Drink → Both
019. Piercings → Ear Lobes
020. Tattoos → Nil

FIRSTS :
023. First piercing → ears
024. First best friend(s) → I hate her
025. First award → Olahragawati of MPS
026. First crush → J
027. First pet → Cody, pet terapin. RIP 2004-2008
028. First big vacation → Singapore, age 10
030. First big birthday → Long forgotten

CURRENTLY :
049. Eating → Nothing
050. Drinking → Coffee
052. I'm about to → Sneeze
053. Listening to → Good Charlotte - Emotionless
054. Plans for today → Dota
055. Waiting for → pay check

YOUR FUTURE :
058. Want kids? → yes
059. Want to get married? → yes
060. Careers in mind → a famous writer

WHICH IS BETTER IN THE BOY/GIRL YOU LIKE?
068. Lips or eyes → eyes
070. Shorter or taller? → taller
072. Romantic or spontaneous → both
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → nice arms
074. Sensitive or loud → loud
075. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
076. Trouble maker or hesitant → trouble maker can be fun sometimes

HAVE YOU EVER :
080. Lost glasses/contacts → nope
081. Ran away from home → no
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → does a blade counts?
083. Killed somebody → no
084. Broken someone's heart → all the time
085. Been arrested → no
087. Cried when someone died → yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN :
089. Yourself → yes
090. Miracles → no. i make my own destiny
091. Love at first sight → no
092. Heaven → not sure
093. Santa Claus → no
094 Tooth Fairy → no
095. Kiss on the first date → if there's chemistry, why not

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → somewhat happy
099. Do you believe in God → I guess I do
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 20 people → I won't.

Mindless and unambitious. That's what I am after lunch.

Red Alert!

It is happening again.

I am feeling all the emotions that I normally do not feel. The anxiety to cry, the hate and anger rising like a bile in my throat, the urge to laugh out loud, has all come together. A single twitch could spark it all, and I would break down instantly.

Why oh why, are we to experience this over and over again, every once a month!?

Yea I know it's only natural, 'cause we are made that way. But do we actually have to produce unnecessary mood swings or emotions?

Before I've decided to write this post, I had the sudden urge to cry. I choked on the oncoming sob that I felt coming, then as I am writing this post, I feel the anger of the prepostorous fact, that we women have to go through this shit month after month. It is exasperating!

As I sit behind my cubicle, facing the damn LCD screen, I just want to grab a pen and stab into the damn rectangular thingy that shines into my face. I hate it!

You know what is the most annoying thing of it all?

I have the inspiration and determination and ideas that is driving me to accomplish my designs, and this happens.

PMS sucks. I should warn Derek now.

Death of the soul

I sat alone, trying to recall all the events that took place just earlier. The surroundings were dark and gloomy, cold and wet, I couldn't remember a thing.

As I snapped my head, I saw him. He was walking towards me, slowly, looking deep into my eyes.

'I remember you,' I thought to myself, but I wasn't certain if it really is him. He look like him, he even dress like him, but I know that he is not him.

Dex, he called himself. He came up to me and lifted me up from my seat, giving me a hug. I hugged him back, relunctantly. As he gave me a kiss on my neck, I felt nauseatic. 'This isn't right,' I thought, as I tried to pry myself away from this being. He watched nonchalantly as I stood back a few steps, looking back at me with a quizzically expression.

"What?" he asked with a raised brow. Never breaking eye contact with me, he walked towards me and stood in front of me.

I turned away from him, unable to look into his eyes. Who is this character that looks so much like him? He held my shoulders, bringing me closer to his chest as he hugged me from behind. He kissed the nape of my neck and I could hear him smelling my hair. Listening to him letting out a sigh, he turned me around in his arms and locked me in an arm's length embrace. His eyes burning into mine, forcing his way through my soul.

Tears threatened to flow down my cheeks as I look at him, remembering a memory that seems so far away now. Then, I lost it. I fell onto his chest and hugged him tightly, crying my heart out to him. I could not fathom the emotions that were running through me and as I cried, my thoughts brings me back to Derek. He was dead, I knew that; but how this man who was impersonating Derek could be standing in front of me right at this moment, hugging me and whispering sweet lost words into my ears?

I practically cried my eyes out as my knees weakened and I fell to the ground, hands clutching tightly onto my burning chest.

This Dex, he told me that he was a form of Derek, and his directive and motive here were to take care of me, watching over me; to love me. Just as how Derek has in mortal life.

I shook my head as I watched this being approached me. I cannot possibly believe a word he says. 'Derek is dead!' I screamed inwardly.

"You're not him! You will never be him!"

----

Then my hand phone rang. I picked it up in my sleeping form and answered groggily. It was Derek, calling me at 3.30am in the morning, telling me that he was already safe at home. When we hang up, I lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling. It was all a dream. Just a dream.

But how real the dream was.

Note: I know it's just a dream, and there was nothing funny about it. What I have written above is all true. It is what I saw in my dream, so if you want to laugh at how ridiculous it is or about the death of Derek, hahahaha.. I found it funny too. But I wouldn't laugh out loud. LOL! No, I wouldn't. [serious face]

Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless
Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coach
Of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought
Of ever returning you
Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided
To end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers
That are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know
That I'm glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul
I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart, dear
Darling, I hope
That my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you
How much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

'Gloomy Sunday' was a song composed by a Hungarian pianist and composer which goes by the name of Rezső Seress. The freaky thing of this song is that, it was dubbed the "Hungarian suicide song" as many deaths has occurred in the presence of this song playing on the radio or the lyrics next to the deceased. You may read more of it here.

Scary? Probably not. This song has been sang by many famous singers such as Sarah Brightman, and Sarah McLachlan. When I first learned of this song, I was browsing and exploiting this website filled with unexplained mysteries. This song was in the list of the unexplained mysteries of the world.

It sounds uncanny; unbelievable, but all these websites, famous researchers, professors has all said that this song is a depressing one. It has the melody which is filled with so much sorrow in it, it sets the listener on a depressive mood.

After learning the existence of this song and the suicidal cases that follows with it, I was curious as to want to know how sorrowful and depressing it sounds like. I was hesitant at first when I downloaded the song. Being paranoid of listening to it after all the things which I have read, I played it several hours later after the download.

That all happened in March 2009. Now, I admit that I am somewhat addicted to the song. I'd listen to it whenever I feel like choosing a song to listen. When I first listened to it, I 'd keep picturing myself dying because of this damn song. All sorts of ways to commit suicide flashed in front of my eyes. Or rather I would imagine losing Derek and the situation I'd be in when I grieve for him.

It was unusually heart-wrenching though. But I got over it as I kept reminding myself that it is just a song. Just a damn song which was created by some miserable Hungarian dude who was heart-broken for the loss of his love life. *Actually his girlfriend dumped him because he was a failure as a pianist and a composer.*

Now, whenever I listen to it, instead of feeling grief and depress, I find the song quite beautiful and soothing. The lyrics were so beautifully carved. Not so gloomy after all.

No Biggie

Since this is my personal blog, I claim every post in here private and confidential and absolutely very very fucking original. I practised fucking free speech in every god damned post and I am not going to stop practising it. Cus it makes blogging more fun, ain't it?

Anyway, today in this post, I will announce several things which I had in mind for the past month:
(starts from least important to the big bomb news)

1. I still love my baby who's just two months old. I've still yet to name him. Click here to look at him.

2. I have started my creative writing once again (freestyle) and have been publishing it online for readers to read and review. *I don't get money out of this but I love the feel of a good review!*

3. What the hell to do for my 4th year anniversary? *clueless* Any idea guys?? Help me out here pls.

4. I put on weight and am still short as ever. *sadness*

5. I can't shop till I drop with my measly salary.

6. I'm still deeply in love with Vegeta. >.<.

7. and Derek, too! ^^

8. I have finally decided to quit my job!

There! There is the Big Bomb news right there. Now don't get me wrong. I love my job. I really, truly love my job. Even when I move on to my next job, I assure you it will be the same scope. But definitely, definitely.... a different and better environment.

All I've got to say is that the management in Company X, sucks. 'They ain't got no professionalism quailities, yo!'

I can't tolerate the people there, I can't accept the fact that mostly everyone there is fucking incompetent in general issues, such as, delivering what you promised? C'mon man, if you can't do it, say you can't fucking do it, or else just shaddup.

There is a famous chinese proverb that just says it all though. If only I could find the right words to translate it into english. Hmmmm... *thinking hard*

Fine, whatever. I can't think of it but let me translate it directly. *this is gonna be fun*

'Mou kam tai ge tau, mou tai kam tai ge mou.'

Ok if you realise, there are several 'mou's' in that sentence. It has separate meanings though. Allow me to explain.

What you have just read in italic means:

'dun have so big a head, dun wear so big a hat.'

There! Direct translation rawks!

Pokku Advertising Inc.

A little imagination running wild wouldn't kill, now would it?

Of course not!

Now, what I have in mind, is to form an advertising company with my close friend Sha Sha. Because we are both fumed with all the workload shits and the unethical nonsense we sire unintentionally from certain authorities, we had up till here! (wherever your 'up till here' makes you happy).

So, first we would have to come up with a name for our company. I had a few choices in mind, though I've only told Sha one.

- Pokku Advertising Inc.
- Mad Designers Co.
- What the Design Advertising
- SoHighs Advertising Co.

Basically I've only listed four. Lazy to think though. Ok, this is how I want to improvise on it.

- a bottomless Coke fountain dispenser for Sha.
- a Bailey's fountain dispenser for me, with an additional pipe for whipped cream and cherries.
- a pool table for me.
- 2 high graphic computer, specifically for game playing.
- 2 Wii.
- a set of PS2.
- 2 PSP.
- a 150 inch Plasma TV, manufactured by Panasonic.
- a roomfull of semi naked hunkies, Hugh Jackman look alikes, separated with a one way mirror.
- (readers are able to give some ideas)

A job well done, if I do say so myself.

Let me lego you back

I am feeling very tension right now. Many things are spinning in my head all at once, I do not know which one to think first. Therefore, causing the tensity in my demeanour volatile. All this pressure is getting into my head. I will be, what do you say that.. that word where you are about to get yelled at by your boss for something that you didn't do, which in fact, is going to be my fault anyhow...

Screwed!

Yes. I will be screwed. So, I told Derek about it. And he tried to console, confort, calm me with his ever so sweet-coated mouth, spewing sickly sweetening words into my ears.

Derek : So, your boss scold you edi?

Me : -.-" ...No

Derek : Don't worry baby, everything will be fine.

Me : Baby, I'm so tensed. I'm breaking apart! [whine whine whine]

Derek : Don't sad baby. I will lego you back.

Me : Huh? Lego me back? What?

Alright, what he meant here was that he will build me back when I fall apart. Aww that was so sweet of him. -.-"

So his terms of usage of the language was to 'Lego' me back, meaning stick me back together because I said I was breaking apart.

Such a creative little sweetheart I have, neh?

a cry for... ?

NOTE: This post is NOT for the faint of heart. Please do NOT proceed with reading after this sentence. But, if you are braver than I thought you were, be my guest.

I do not remember whether I've actually posted stating that my office is.. somewhat.. 'haunted'... but I do remember the first encounter was in the pantry, which is located on the other side of the office. It happened last month (March). I was in the pantry, just emerged from the ladies. I went to the pantry sink to get a cup of water and was already walking towards the main door and that was when I heard the conference room door creaked really slow, and then slammed shut. But no one was in the pantry with me. And there was obviously not a single window opened if you're thinking of wind. (The windows in the conference room is sealed shut and yes, the conference room is in the same premise as the pantry). So that was the weird part. I was the only one there. I remember turning around and looked at the door. It was indeed shut! I slowly turned toward the exit and walked back to the main office. (Note: I actually walked instead of run like a panicked I-just-saw-a-ghost maniac)

This morning I had another encounter. I emerged from the ladies. (Note: This is sooo de-ja-vu). I headed straight for the pantry sink to wash and fill my cup with drinking water. As I was doing just that, there was a sudden electrical spark went down my spine and it was then I heard it.

A woman's voice.

It was sobbing and sniffling uncontrollably and suddenly, it howled and wailed! For several seconds it sounded like it was directly behind me, and the next it sounded like it was upstairs (Note: My office is on the highest floor, above is the top roof) and then it sounded like it came from inside the elevator. It sounded so hollow, in fact, too hollow. It was as if the sound was everywhere.

And then the howling stopped as swiftly as it started. My back stiffened and I stood up right. I held my breath as I turned around and observed the place. It was just as ordinary as like it always has been. As I anticipated, nobody was around. I don't remember anyone being in the washroom with me. So as I was scouting the place, with my peripheral vision, there was nothing and no one, except for me. I quickly filled my cup and walked out of the place.

As I entered the office, I wasn't surprised that my face was obviously pale. I was definitely relieved to be in the presence of living beings. But the depths of my eyes told uncertainty. Yes I was indeed uncertain of what I had heard, for it was indefinitely natural. So I stumbled to my colleague and asked her if she has heard any wailing. Of course she said no. Then, her bravery brought her on to investigate. I trailed slowly behind her, being the coward I never knew I was at that very moment. Although I already knew there was no wailing anymore, I was hoping it would occur again so I can actually define what it was that I had heard and not sounded like a moron. To my disappointment, there wasn't any.

So we walked back to the office and we went to our respective cubicle and soon the encounter was forgotten. At least on her part. I am clearly still uncomfortable with the whole damn incident. But what the heck, I am so used to these incidents I am not really afraid anymore. To hell with them!

my own moderator

I have no idea how many relationship breakups are there in a year, less be it a week. But I know that everyday, there are partners out there who have finally decided to end it all. But it also isn't everyday that you hear your closest buddies going through it either. So each time I hear a friend of mine has ended their love life, I'd try to turn on my understanding mode. Though I do not agree in crying, sulking, whining, complaining, desperately upset over the matter, I'd try to console them the best I can.

I admit I have been through several breakups of my own. Most of them unpleasant, obviously. It surely is hard to stay as friends with some of them. Whilst some are just dandy. Hearing a close friend of mine going through the breakup has brought up many ghosts of my past. Some which I tend not to remember, and some which I can never forget as it is already engraved somewhere in the depths of my mind and heart.

All I know is that I have to be stronger and tell myself that no one can hurt me, regardless. I have not love someone the way I used to anymore. I care.. I do.. but it isn't just the same as love. I tend to lose the understanding of love ever since I can remember. I have become as hard as a rock, as cold as a stone. And because of that, I have not trusted anyone in this matter, not even myself. But I guess it is partially my fault for bringing myself possible pain, since I especially am more attracted to bad boys. Yes, they are exciting and exhilirating. They take my breath away, literally. What's more, they're deeply intriguing. They slice my senses and brings my body and spirit to flames. *not in an intimate way.. don't so corrupted, please*

And then, the next I'd remember was waking up alone in my bed, trying to forget the pain that he has brought me by finally leaving. Letting the ghastly fact haunt my very soul. I had no other choice other than to let it all go and move on with life as though it has never happened. Believe me when I said I am already immuned to it all. As every bad relationship turned into a good lesson. And I had to learnt it the hard way. Of course, it isn't my first lesson, it will definitely not my last.

And I am contented. Right this moment. I am not alone. Thanks to Derek.

the final countdown

What have I got to look forward for? -Nothing much at the moment.

Things seem to be settling down. Faltering into the back of the whole scene. This ordeal should turn out fine, I guess. I'm not the least bit affected, at least notuntil last night. Maybe I was about to fall sick and yesterday my body was weak. Really weak. I guess that explains why I had almost fainted in front of my manager. He was quite worried about my welfare. Though I didn't show much. He was like a father figure.. A very young father figure. That's what he is anyway but we're not talking about him.

Like I said, I almost blacked out for a moment there. It was extremely hot around yesterday. I guess the heat was getting the best out of me. I had a headache when I first awoke. At least until after I met up with Mei, I was already fine. Maybe I just needed to unwind and enjoy the hours of relaxation. I have been cooped up in the office, in the confinements of my small, sad, pathetic cubicle, facing the damn LCD screen for at least close to 10 hours a day. And let's not forget the unmerciful timeline given for each and every project that fell into my hands for the past month.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself a lil bit for not having enough 'me time'. Believe me, I've not even trim my nails and cuticles for the past month. And my hair... GAWD my hair is so frizzy I didn't even have the time to conditionize it properly for the past several weeks. Just touch and go with shampoo.

Alright, I know I am whining & complaining but I just can't seem to get what I want and what I want now is some me time. So Thank God it's Friday! I shall forever worship the fact that you exist before Saturday! and that I will always pray and pray harder that you will speed up and quicken the hours until 6pm and slow it down to a reaaaaal good notch after 6pm. You will forever be etched into the bottom of my heart for you are the saviour of my hard-ass week. All Hail, Friday! LONG LIVE FRIDAY! I love you! [puts my hands up and looks into the sky with a really grateful face]

I guess I'm really too free at the moment... [bitch bitch bitch]

the war within me

I have been incredibly patient when I was customizing my blasted blog layout. It isn't everday that I chang my blog layout though. Previously, with the old template, I was even more pathetically patient in editing because of the damn HTML. I didn't even know there was a new template that makes editing so much simpler than the Dummies Book.

For the past several weeks, I was mentally strained. My life has become darker than before. Inside me I am warring with myself. A battle of good and.. death. The results?.. I detached myself from people, devoid myself from emotions. Becoming more stoic than ever. I am senile, yet I refuse to be broken. On land, I roam like the silent spirit, but when I dream, the battle was hard.

No, I do not turn to anyone for I do not need their presence looming over my already somewhat beaten form. My state of mind cannot handle the kind of annoyance. It is better to be left alone. That is all I want.

Happy 24th Birthday, Derek.

The thought of sharing a lifetime with you, is overwhelming with excitement, yet it frightens me. We have yet to take the next [ultimate] step, but I have a feeling that we are closer to it than before. What we share, can never be replaced by any living soul in this entire universe. That is how precise you are to me. We may have many [countless] differences, but we are not very different at all, you and I. From the first moment I set my eyes on you, I admitted I hoped you longed and desired me. For when I looked into your eyes for the very first damn time, I knew you were really different apart from the world. You have given me a priceless and valueble gift.. -your heart..

Your heart, where you have never let anyone ventured into the depths of it, except for me. And I am estatic to know that I have brought you the same sensations and desires in me as well. I will not call you my love, my heart, my soul, my only one, for you are already that. I will call you my best friend in the whole wide world. Because you are all that, who understands me better than the whole universe combined, if not better.

For all that alone, I'd want to be the one to be able to wish you a birthday greet that no one has been able to conjure up.

Have a blast baby..